In the eyes of myself

There where three men. All who seemed frightened. They stood on the edge of the canyon looking on as a fourth man tumbled to his death. We could have saved him said one of the men. He should have saved himself said another. The third man just look at them bewildered and brought a handgun to his own head and pulled the trigger. Blood spattered. The two men watched as he slumped to the ground. The first man screamed and the second threw himself to the side of the man on the ground. Why?!! he screamed. It was the only sound heard. Sobbing he looked at the man standing and said you did this! You and your frigging righteous speech about the lives we leave and the sacrifice we must make. Your the devil. I am not the devil said the standing man on the the truth. The truth about what? The other man screamed. Your life he said and he jumped.

Th man heard a ringing and he sat up slowly. It was over the dream but his thoughts where still on the side of the canyon. How did this happen. How did it all just fade away? The dream came and went in an instant leaving his mind boggled and his eyes heavy. I knew I was there thought the man but how? It was all to familiar the thoughts of how it could happen and then suddenly be gone. If this ever happens again thought the man then all is clear that it was in fact a premonition perhaps it was totally nonsense. I in fact have dreamed that dream many times but it has never appeared so clearly. The clearer it became the more like life it was. How could something vivid come out of my imagination? There are several people who could tell me thought the man. He hopped out of bed and walked to the shower. He turned on the water. As if it where the beach the sounds of the shower soothed his mind and he started to become more himself. I wonder he thought what kind of adventure today will bring. He dropped his draws and stepped into the shower. As if it where on cue the phone rang. He spattered water all over as he ran to it and picked it up.

    I need you in early said the voice on the other end. Realizing it was his boss he immediately tensed. I'll be there he exclaimed. The boss replied thank you and hung up. I'm a nobody he thought as he hustled back to the shower. He washed and dried and dressed. No time for coffee he thought as he hustled out the door. The air was crisp as he looked down at the ground as he hustled to his jeep. It was a grand Cherokee and it was one of his prize possessions. He liked the sleek feel of the jeep while driving and he hoped it showed prestige. As he drove down the road he couldn't help thinking this is the worst day of my life. His job review was today and on his resume he had lied about several jobs he had held in the past. He had trumped up his job skills beyond his ability and was sure it was fairly obvious. Today is going to suck he thought, tomorrow could be a lot worse. I found myself lying he thought and I knew it was a bad idea but I just needed this job. Well if I do get fired he thought which is probably inevitable this jeep this jeep is going to be the first thing to go. The thought of selling the jeep brought a tear to his left eye. Without it he was stranded and he knew with no transportation life was going to be a hell of a lot more difficult. As he pulled up to the office building he regained his composure and stepped out of the jeep. If I get son of a bitching fired he thought I'll kill myself. He was an office worker and his main tasks where data entry and clerical work. His field was a medical receptionist and he had said he was the mathematical equivalent of an accountant. He knew when given a task of balancing the office budget he was in trouble but he thought he might be able to muddle through it. He had told his boss the budget might be slightly beyond his skills but when pressured he agreed it could be done. Son of a bitch he thought why didn't I just tell him then that I wasn't good at accounting. He knew that by the time he sees this budget he was going to be reprimanded. I am an ass wipe he thought. He lumbered into the office and took his spot at the front desk. He knew he should announce his presence to his boss but he wasn't quite ready to face the music. Looking over his first time sheet for the previous week he remembered he also called in Thursday to make a doctors appointment he had in the middle of the day.

His boss was a tall man and he entered the lobby and greeted the man. Oh hi Seth. Can you come into my office please. Seth nodded. Ya sure thing Mike he stammered and climbed out of his chair. He made his way around a copier and through the door into his bosses office. Mike I know what your going to say Seth stammered. Mike raised a hand and brought a finger to his lips. Seth you are perfect for the receptionist position but your a lousy accountant. I know stammered Seth. Now what am I going to do about this says Mike. You wasted two weeks on this dribble and it is completely useless he exclaims tossing the budget onto his desk. I'm sorry stammers Seth. I'm sorry I have no choice but to let you go says Mike. I can't use you for multiple reasons. Seth feels his face getting flush. But Mike Seth exclaims. No buts says Mike now clean out your desk. Seth begins to sulk. OK Mike he says as he stumbles out the door. Pick up your last check with Sally on your way out he says. OK says Seth. He gets to his desk and he feels tears rolling down his face. This sucks he thought. Son of a bitch what do I do now? He looked down at his belongings and he started to whimper. I'm completely fucked he told himself. My life is over. He searched for something to place his things in. It was a stupid mistake he thought. I just needed a job so badly. He found a bag and started filling it with his stuff. What the fuck do I do he thought. I got to figure out something. I'm behind on rent. My car payments due and I have no food in my fridge. If I have to go on welfare I'll die. He had been on welfare one time before and he remembered the embarrassment of going into the welfare office and standing in line for his food stamps. Besides that he thought if they repossess my jeep I'm fucked. This is a fine mess. He looked for Sally who was not at her desk. He finally came upon her gorging herself at the snack machine. Hi Sally he said. Hi Seth she stammered. I just got fired Seth conveyed. Oh jeez Seth I'm sorry exclaimed Sally. Mike told me to pick up my last check he told her. Those checks won't be in until Monday she replied. I know Seth said looking down but I thought Mike might have gotten it here sooner. I'm afraid he must of forgot she said. Seth started crying and said ok can you mail it to me? Sure honey said Sally. You ok? Oh I'll be all right he said as he hurried away. As Seth clamored down the stairs he felt an odd sense of failure not because he had lost his job but of his ability to talk himself out of every situation. It seemed when he was younger he could get himself out of trouble by just lying and making himself look pitiful. His mother a very kind lady would often believe his stories or let him off the hook due to her feeling sorry for making him upset. Seth cleared his throat bundled himself up and hurried across the parking lot to his jeep. He felt the weight of the world on his shoulders.. He started the jeep and laid his head on the steering wheel. He sat there for what felt like eternity. Finally he lifted his head and started driving. Half way home his phone rang. It was Jason the superintendent of his apartment building. Oh hi Seth he said in a stern voice. I'm just calling because your late with your rent. I understand Seth said I was just going to call you. I'm going to need a few more weeks Seth said. That's fine said Jason but your already two weeks late and if you don't pay it by then I'm going to have to evict you. Ok said Seth. He hung up the phone and brushed aside another tear. God why does this always happen to me he thought. He pulled up to his building and pulled into his designated parking spot. He knew he needed to find another job and fast. Now what he thought as the phone rang. He answered it in a very hushed voice said oh hi Mom. Hi honey how are you? I'm good said Seth. Hows work? she asked. Woks work Seth said. Well said his mother I just wanted to remind you your father is in town this week and he wants to see you. Let me give you his number. Seth said one second as he searched through the draw in the kitchen for a pen. Ok go ahead said Seth. Its 509-831-540. Make sure you call him Seth. He really wants to see you. Ok Mom I will he said. He opened the door to the closet to hang up his coat. Honey is everything OK? his mother asked. Ya Mom everything's great he stammered. Seth said goodbye to his mother and sat staring at the number. He hadn't seen his father in 15 years. Not since he moved to Canada with his new wife. Well he thought better late than never. He crumpled the number and tossed it into the trash. That son of a bitch will hear from me when hell freezes over he thought. Seth went into his room and collapsed on the bed.